The Hardest Part…

It’s difficult to see the successes past the glaring failures.

I knew the trek would push my comfort zone. I don’t feel confident in my strength when it comes to strenuous activities. However, this time I was more mentally challenged. It was the last day; the day we were supposed to make it to the lake. We had heard reports about a landslide, but we decided to go on. However, as the terrain started to change from dirt roads to tiny paths to just walking on a cliff side– with a big drop– that with one wrong move would surely lead me to my demise, I began to feel pushed beyond my limit of comfort. It scared me so much that I couldn’t stop the panic attack that suddenly arose. Tears and heavy breathing suddenly overtook me, and I stood paralyzed. But that wasn’t the hardest part.

I thought the hardest part was not being able to make it to the lake. When Louis told me to stay I tried to hold back tears, but I didn’t last long (again I wasn’t strong enough). I cried the second time that day, but unlike last time these were not tears of fear. These were tears of sadness and anger. Anger at myself, at my body, but mostly my mind. I was so close, but because of my weakness I couldn’t make it. How could I let my fear of heights get in the way of making it to the top?

Each year I get stronger. This year I felt like I was doing so well while trekking. This year I wasn’t the girl who kept being told to walk in the front. This year I walked with the rest of the group. I was strong. I could go at their pace. No more blisters, no more pain. That is until I was faced with a new weakness. A new blind spot that pushed my comfort zone. Like in the past my self-esteem was brought down and I felt like the weak little girl I’m always afraid of being.

However, like I said earlier, I thought the hardest part was not being able to go and feeling like I failed. I realize now that is not the hardest part. In fact, I am still struggling through the hardest part. The hardest part is seeing my success past that glaring failure. The hardest part is realizing that I am enough, that I am strong, and the top is wherever I define it to be.

Isabella – Class of 2019

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